Dear Stavroula,

I have been married for five years after a short but very intense courtship with my wife. For some time now, I have felt that our relationship is going through an insidious crisis, which to a casual observer might not be noticed at all, but I see it every day. I feel that she is not interested in me as much as before – she does not seem to want to spend any more time with me or do anything together like we did before. Every time I make a suggestion, she chooses to do something by herself: watch a movie, read something, or continue working on the computer.

It’s not just her fault, it’s something I do, too, many times I’d rather go out with my friends, knowing that I’ll have a good time, have fun and laugh, than stay at home and be bored alone.

As time passes, we rarely agree on how to spend the little free time we have, like we’re both bored of dealing with each other.

All this makes me very sad, not only because it affects our love life, but because I have feelings for her and I would not want to divorce even though we don’t have children yet. However, I hesitate to start a conversation with her, because I am afraid of her response, and as a result, time passes and the situation does not improve. Can you help me?

Ioannis

Dear Ioannis,

The road from excitement and attraction at the beginning of a relationship to detachment is a well-trodden one. The emotional arousal, the lust for the other, and the need for the presence of the other as much as possible, diminish with the passage of time, and unfortunately transform into something else.

Sometimes feelings start to fade, and the other person’s presence doesn’t feel the same as it did at the beginning of the relationship. It doesn’t seem to be as important to share with the other person moments of his life, such as how was his day at work. He no longer wishes to share moments of relaxation with his significant other, to watch the same movie, to join in a hobby together, to do something for the sake of the other, even if he likes it as much as he used to.

And many times the easy explanation is that this is normal: when the romance ends, boredom comes – or that all good things come to an end.

However, sometimes this distance in the relationship can be due to other reasons.

It may be because one of the two is hurt, angry, or constantly afraid of being hurt or rejected. He is afraid to show his sensitive side, his own self exactly as he is, afraid of being alone with the spouse, fearing that then the other person will understand who he really is.

Something similar may be happening in your case.

Perhaps, ultimately the problem that exists is the lack of communication that often affects the couple’s attraction, trust, and sense of security.

The first step to get back into the relationship is to carefully observe each other – expressions, body posture, etc. – and try to listen to each other’s feelings.

Then show each other that when you are together, you are both essentially present. This happens by communicating with eye contact, with body posture that shows interest, with responding to what the other person is sharing.

Being interested in the other person’s feelings, how they feel after a hard day at work, also enhances communication.

From that point on, the relationship needs building.

It helps if you both want to have new experiences together, travel, take up a shared hobby, a creative activity that will please you both, or even agree to try new things.

And, of course, it is very important to be able to share with your partner your feelings in the relationship without fear of being blamed, hurt, or rejected for them.

In trying to rebuild your relationship, you may need help to better understand yourself, and your role in it. Feel free to ask for help, because many times problems arise in the relationship not so much because we have a problem with the other person… but with ourselves.