x

Dear Stavroula

Dear Stavroula: A Daughter’s Troubling Relationship

Dear Stavroula,

I have a thirty-year-old daughter who is very beautiful and very successful. She studied applied computer science and has a very good job at a big bank that pays her very well. I could say that she has a dynamic character and is very cultivated. Unfortunately, she was unhappy in her marriage and divorced relatively early because her husband left her for another woman. Since then, she has stayed for many years alone, until five months ago, she started relationship with a man totally unsuitable for her. She has fallen in love with him, and although the relationship is problematic, she will not leave him. Every now and then they have terrible fights, he shouts at her, curses at her, puts her down, and then demands that they split up. After each fight, she is a wreck, asks to see him again, and as soon as they make up, she acts as if nothing has happened. I’m afraid he is taking advantage of her financially, though she does not admit it, because I know he is not working at this time and I see them going out often and taking little weekend trips. I want to help her see the truth about him, but she does not let me. When I go to talk to her about him she gets angry and leaves. I’ve told her we should go to a psychologist but she refuses. I am in despair, how can I help my child to break out?

Evgenia T.

Dear Evgenia,

You write to me that you are very worried about your daughter and her partner and I can very well understand your reasons. It seems that your daughter is in a relationship of intense passion, where the unpleasant feelings of separation and abandonment alternate with the pleasures of reconnection and love. This emotional instability and the tension it causes, makes it harder to think logically, prevents her from seeing the man she is with clearly, and set her limits in a relationship where psychological violence is also being practiced. It is difficult to get out of such relationships and requires awareness of the situation and effort.

Indeed, allowing her partner to put her down and mistreat her may indicate a lack of self-esteem and emotional insecurity.

That is why it would help to talk with a psychologist or some other specialist who would lead her to understand her feelings and her true wishes in order to make decisions. But you write to me that she refuses.

Perhaps this denial means that she is intimately aware that she is in a situation that does not suit her but does not want to hear it, she does not want to accept it. That’s why it will not do you good either to start giving advice or to make bleak predictions about her relationship.

What you can offer her is the ability to talk to you when things are not good and you listen to her with love and understanding. Let her speak more, urge her on with your questions while talking to you, and avoid taking sides. She must understand what is going on and decide what to do.

The more she talks about what concerns her, the more easily she will realize the situation. But to do that, she has to feel secure with you and can trust in you because you will not judge her or discard her. Perhaps your daughter is trying so hard to keep this relationship out of fear of failing her second time in this area, or for fear she cannot succeed in any relationship.

Give your daughter the understanding that we should not feel ashamed of our mistakes and our failures, but learn from them and grow. Share with her examples from your own life, reveal your own mistakes, to bring her truly closer to you. Remind her how important she is, how much she has done in her professional career, to help her to love herself again.

RELATED

Dear Stavroula, I have three sons, the eldest got married three years ago and has an 11 month old son.

Top Stories

Columnists

A pregnant woman was driving in the HOV lane near Dallas.

General News

NEW YORK – Meropi Kyriacou, the new Principal of The Cathedral School in Manhattan, was honored as The National Herald’s Educator of the Year.

Video

Evzones March in the Rain to Greek Flag Raising at Bowling Green in NYC (VIDEO)

NEW YORK – The heavy rain did not deter the Hellenic Presidential Guard, the Evzones, and the participants in the march from St.

ATHENS - Socialist PASOK leader Nikos Androulakis is keeping up a fusillade of criticism at Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this time challenging him for a debate ahead of the elections for European Parliament in June.

ATHENS - Trying to further wean off a 19th-Century source for energy - coal - Greece is moving more toward solar but it’s wind turbines on islands that have some environmentals anxious over the impact.

ATHENS - Frenchman Baron Pierre de Coubertin so had his heart set in the modern Olympic Games that he created, the first in Athens in 1896, that when he died he had his heart buried near the spot where the ancient games were held, in Olympia.

After the former ruling Radical Left SYRIZA stymied a gold mine operation and was often anti-business, Greece’s Deputy Environment and Energy Minister Alexandra Sdoukou said the New Democracy government wants more mining.

Enter your email address to subscribe

Provide your email address to subscribe. For e.g. [email protected]

You may unsubscribe at any time using the link in our newsletter.