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Dear Stavroula

He’s a Good Guy, but I’m Bored with Him

Dear Stavroula,

I’ve been dating someone my age for a few months now – we’re both 28 years old. My boyfriend is a very good guy, he treats me well, he has introduced me to his friends and from his side it seems that he wants something serious. My problem is that while I really like him both for his looks and as a person, I’m bored with him. Maybe it’s because I don’t have strong romantic feelings for him like I did with my ex. And even though I know it’s very unfair to my boyfriend, I keep comparing him romantically to my ex, who otherwise treated me badly but our relationship was very passionate. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I’m reliving a relationship that otherwise made me suffer and why I’m hesitant to move forward with a man who respects me and shows me his love in every way. With him I feel safe and calm and I know he is a person I could rely on in a difficult time. But I’m afraid that this lack of passion I feel will ruin our relationship in the future, and I don’t want to hurt him at all. I do not know what to do.

Maria

 

Dear Maria,

Many people grow up with caregivers who may not be emotionally available to give their child the care and attention they need to feel safe and loved. Maybe some parents get sick, or suffer from depression, maybe one of them moves away and starts a new family, or is unavailable because of their workload, or finally they may have the kind of behavior that shows the child that he or she is never good enough.

These children, when they grow up, may look for a partner who will make them feel similar emotions, because that feels familiar and comfortable. For this reason, often when they have relationships with people who do not offer them emotional security, they feel intense, passionate love and the need to maintain this relationship in any way even though they suffer, doing something similar to what they did in their childhood, trying to claim the love of their parents.

For the same reason, when they may be in a relationship in which the pattern they are used to changes somewhat, they feel uncomfortable and may unconsciously look for ways to break it. They may be bothered by the other person’s political views, or the way they eat, or even the way they dress. They may find him uninteresting or boring.

It may even be that when they feel they have gotten too close to someone, they look for ways to recreate the distance and find reasons to argue and pull away.

Perhaps some of these are true in your case as well. Perhaps it is the case that being in a relationship with someone who shows you love and interest, you feel reduced passionate love and you recall a relationship in which you felt insecure and rejected.

If this is a pattern that repeats itself in your relationships, it would be good to try to break it. Perhaps behind the feeling of boredom you feel about your partner, there is a fear of trusting someone who shows you that you are worthy of love.

It would also help to reflect on what it was in your previous relationship that made you feel strong passion for a man who did not treat you well. Many times the tension and passion are created when there is a feeling that the other person is not approachable, when he comes and goes, when he shows interest and then passes into indifference, when in other words there are emotional ups and downs that do not allow the other person to think logically, to judge the situation objectively, to realize if what he feels is more unhappiness than joy and happiness.

What would perhaps help you in any case is to seek meaningful contact with yourself, with your feelings, with your past and present. You will probably need the help of an expert. He may help illuminate aspects of yourself that you may not know so well.

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