Dear Stavroula,

I have been divorced for 24 years. From that marriage, I have two children who were young when I left home. I didn’t see them often because I was working in a different country than the one where my wife and children lived. But I always made sure to send money to meet their financial needs, and with that money they were able to study and find their way in life. My problem is that now that my daughter is getting married, she wants her stepfather to walk her down the aisle and to sit at the first table. I will be a mere guest, on the condition that I do not attend the wedding with my second wife, whom my ex-wife holds responsible for our divorce. I feel very hurt and wronged, and am considering not going to the wedding at all. I would like your advice.

Apostolos

Dear Apostolos,

Divorce is a milestone moment in a family’s life and it deeply affects children at whatever age they experience it. Some children may feel abandonment very strongly, experience a frightening insecurity, feel guilty, and feel responsible for the parent they feel is weaker. Usually, this is the live-in parent, the one who takes care of them on a day-to-day basis.

Many times they are influenced by the feelings of this parent and adopt the attitude he has towards the other, the one who is leaving, either because they are convinced of this fault (especially when the other parent is absent) or because they do not want to further hurt the person who takes care of them and whom they see every day dealing with the consequences and difficulties of divorce.

Something similar may have happened in your case. As there was even a belief in the family that there was another woman, it is possible that your children grew up with the feeling that they were betrayed, that they did not get the love they deserved. In fact, since you moved away from them and their communication with you was limited, it is natural that they have not developed strong bonds with you. They may not yet have understood your contribution to them and how important it is, especially if the children’s mother did not mention it or played it down.

Your daughter’s decision to have her stepfather accompany her to her wedding can be due to many reasons. It is possible that your daughter has a deep and important bond with her stepfather. Over the years, he may have played an important role in her life, providing emotional support and guidance. In such cases, she may feel a strong desire to honor this relationship at her wedding.

There is also a chance that if your ex-wife has strong feelings or dislike for you or your second wife, your daughter may be influenced by those feelings, making decisions that are in line with her mother’s preferences.

There may even be concerns about potential tensions or disruption if you attend the wedding with your second wife. Your daughter may be trying to create an environment where everyone is comfortable and focused on celebrating the happy moment instead of potential conflict.

Of course, it could also be the case that she has not realized how serious her decision was for you and what feelings you have about it.

Whatever the reason, it’s clear that there are still unresolved family issues.

So it might help clear some things up if you have an honest conversation with her and let her hear your side. Express your feelings calmly and without accusations. Share how important her wedding is to you and how much you want to be a part of her special day. Point out the love and support you’ve offered over the years even if it wasn’t always so obvious.

But be ready to listen to her side and try to accept it with love and respect, even if you don’t like it. Be understanding and open to contact.

Perhaps more important than the wedding and your place there is laying the foundation and building a new, more meaningful relationship with your daughter. An expert could perhaps help you in this endeavor.