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Columnists

Greek-American Stories: A Word to the Wise (or, otherwise)

The word, ‘stupid’ is derived from the word stupidity. No one is exempt from making stupid comments from time to time, not even me. Those who have contributed a lot are politicians, news reporters, athletes, and the general public. So, let me entertain you brilliant readers out there with some that I thought should be made public.

(The rest of you, please, accept my apologies.)

Senator Ernest A. Johnson, seeking reelection, said, “I have made no wild promises, except one – honest government!” (Politics, as usual).

Movie to see: Of Human Bandage.

The IRS is very optimistic about the honesty of people: Illegal income such as stolen or embezzled money must be included in your gross income.

Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity (Form 8582).

Bank robber’s note to teller: Milk, loaf of bread, pick up laundry. (Wait till he gets home.)

Sometimes, criminals need to know more math: Note to teller: “Give me $418 – and no ones!”

Here’s better math from Gerald Ford: Mr. Nixon was the thirty-seventh president of the United States. He had been preceded by thirty-six others.”

Philadelphia Phillies Manager, Larry Bowa: ”We talked five times. I called him twice and he called me twice.”

This one was crucial for safety’s sake – Important notice: If you are of the hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our ‘easy diving’ book, please note the following correction: The words, “State Zip Code” should have read, “Pull Rip Cord.”

Classified Ad in English newspaper: 20 toilet rolls, hardly used, Xmas bargain. (Never!)

This one is from the British admiralty – Instructions for storage of warheads and torpedoes: It is necessary for technical reasons that these warheads should be stored with the top at the bottom and the bottom at the top. In order that there be no doubt as to which is the top and which is the bottom, for storage purposes, it will be seen that the bottom of each head has been labeled with the word ‘top’. (Got it?)

Letter sent to customer from Phone Company: Dear Mr. Cook, We have attempted on several occasions to reach you by telephone to discuss payment of your account which was recently disconnected.

Some resumes can be more explicit than others – My qualifications are as follows: Excellent memory, strong math aptitude, effective management skills, excellent memory and very good at math.” (I wonder if he got the job.)

Listing any special skills is essential: Typing speed: 756 words wpm. (Faster than a speeding bullet.)

One must strive for accuracy when applying for a job. College education: August 1880 to 1984.

Here’s someone any company could use: Completed 11 years of high school. I have a bachelorette degree in computers. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Then there are politicians who are so precise in what they say that we can just stand aside and scratch our heads with wonder, like Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld when at a Pentagon briefing, after being asked by a reporter about comments Pres. George W. Bush had made: “Needless to say, the president is correct at whatever it was he said.”

At another briefing, when trying to clarify the war on terror, Rumsfeld made a remarkable statement. “There are known knowns. There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But, there are also unknown unknowns. There are things that we don’t know that we don’t know.” (Gee! I didn’t know that. Did you?)

President George W. Bush said, “Our nation must come together to unite.”

Politician introducing President George W. Bush to an audience: “My friends, it is with a great deal of pride that I present to you a president who wants to cut jobs – ah, who wants to cut taxes to cut jobs – who wants – who wants to stop the regulations to cut the jobs.”

President Ronald Reagan to the Lebanese foreign minister during a briefing on the realities of the middle east conflict: ”You know, your nose looks just like Danny Thomas’”

Cops are really good at catching clues. Example: Concealed weapon charges filed against nude dancer.

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