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Dear Stavroula

Ask Stavroula: My Fiance Criticizes Me about My Weight

Dear Stavroula,

I am 28 years old and getting ready for my wedding in the summer. My fiance and I have been living together for four years. Before we became romantically involved, we had been friends for many years and I feel like I’ve known him all my life and love him dearly. Our relationship is good, we communicate well, we talk about everything and we have a similar philosophy of life.

But lately, I feel like I don’t like him, at least not as much as I would like to. He constantly tells me that I have to lose weight, makes comments about what I eat and insists I go to a dietician. He has even decided how much weight I should lose. I’ve always been overweight, not by much, I just have some curves, but I feel good about my body and I never got into the mindset of struggling to lose weight. The truth is that lately I got a little bit off track when I had an issue with my health and gained a bit more, but it is very difficult for me to count calories and constantly think about what to eat and what not to eat. It annoys me that he constantly observes what I eat and intervenes. The other day we were out eating with my sister and her husband and I was very offended by a remark he made about how much I was eating.

I think he doesn’t want me anymore and I’m afraid that he’s ashamed of me.

I don’t know how to stop all this…

Elina

 

Dear Elina,

The way your fiance reacts to your weight is definitely not right since it bothers you and you should not allow it to continue without reacting. It is very important for each of us to have a healthy relationship with our body, to love it and to accept it with its beauty and imperfections, to care for it in the way we consider it right, by always taking care of our health, of course. After all, how attractive a body is is not about its pounds, but how we feel in it.

However, you should try to think of the motives behind his behavior, what really interests him. Is the health issue that you are referring to negatively affected by the increased weight and does it upset your fiance? Does he mistakenly think that you are not feeling well with the weight you put on?

So the first thing I would advise you to do is talk honestly with him and ask him why he is so concerned with what you’re eating. If it’s one of the above, tell him how you feel every time he comments on your weight or how much you eat and ask him to stop. Talk to him honestly and let him know that in his own way he is not helping you and what he succeeds in doing is simply upsetting you. Reassure him that you understand that he loves you and cares about you, but make it clear that you alone want to decide what is good for your body and what is not.

You write to me that you are afraid of him being ashamed of you. If in fact he is ashamed of you, this is something that will have other iterations besides his comments on food. If you really believe this, talk to him and you will understand his reactions.

If you find that he is ashamed of you, you might have to consider whether you can live with a person whose image of you is based on your outward appearance. Think about what your own reaction would be, your own feelings, if he was gaining weight, think if that would affect the way you see him or your feelings for that man.

Perhaps your conclusions will lead you to reconsider your decision to marry him.

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