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Dear Stavroula

Ask Stavroula: I Used a Dating App to Find Romance, Will It Last?

February 19, 2022

Dear Stavroula,

I am close to 30 and I was single for many years. A few months ago, I decided to use Tinder, because my social life was limited and I did not know how else I could meet someone. I work from home, I do not go out often, because I am a bit overweight and have some autoimmune issues, so with the pandemic I was being extra careful.

Indeed, through the app, I met a man much older than me, with whom, while talking, I felt that I could really communicate. My problem is that even though our relationship started very casually and only for a tryst, I have started to fall in love with him. We have met sometimes and I think he is also interested because he sends me messages many times a day and we talk at least once a day with a video call. When we are together I have a great time with him but when we are not together I am tormented by the thought that this relationship may not be what I think, or at least, what it seems. Besides, I do not know anyone who met a partner through such an app and the relationship continued. On the other hand, I’m afraid to talk to him about my feelings, because although he is very kind and tender to me, he has not told me he feels anything more about me than that he likes me and I did not want to scare him off and probably lose him. I would like your opinion on whether such relationships can last.

Thalia

 

Dear Thalia,

In recent years, dating applications are widely used and by all ages. And while they initially started with the main goal of finding sexual partners, there are many who have met their other half through such apps.

After all, with the spread of the pandemic and the lockdown, people’s social life was tragically reduced and these apps filled the gap to a degree.

Just because you met your partner this way does not mean that this relationship is doomed to end, at least not more than any other relationship. Although dating through apps is usually aimed at casual dating, there are times when even if the relationship started that way it developed into an emotional bond. In addition, the fact that two people are compatible sexually does not mean that they cannot find other reasons to continue being together. In fact, sometimes the feeling of liberation in love and the intimacy that is created can help two people to become closer, even on a psychic, emotional level.

However, it might help to clarify within yourself what is bothering you and preventing you from enjoying the present relationship. Is it something that is due to the behavior of the person you are interested in? Do you have evidence that he may be different from what he seems, for example, that he has some other relationship? Are you concerned about specific behaviors that may be hiding something else? Do you feel that something is missing or that something is not right?

If so, then observe your partner and his behavior more carefully. Discuss what concerns you with a person you trust and ask him to tell you how he sees things. This will probably help you to better understand the situation and make your own decisions.

If not, you need to think things through for yourself. Why do you hesitate to express your feelings? Is it generally a feature of your personality? Has something happened in your previous relationships that makes you not feel confident about your own feelings?  Do you not feel that they are clear?

Furthermore, what makes you fear that if you tell your man how you feel, he may leave? Why could this create distance between you instead of bringing you closer together?

However, you may need to have an honest discussion about both of your expectations in the relationship. This is important to clear up misunderstandings and perhaps shed light on some dark spots. It may be good to clarify whether you will have an exclusive relationship and whether this relationship will be more than casual, so that you both know what to expect from each other.

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