Hi! I wish to thank you folks for electing me as your representative. Because I promised to be up front with you and because there’s still a few dollars left from your contributions, I decided to tell you a few facts. My opponent really isn’t as bad as was depicted. (Shrugging) It’s just politics! I know I reported that he is in favor of prisoners having computers, beautyrest mattresses and pedicures. But, that would mean higher taxes, folks. So, I said what I said because he’d said a lot of poppy cock about me, too. It’s just politics! He said that I don’t go to church anymore when I do. In fact, I’m still treasurer. That money missing from the church office doesn’t pertain to me. And, I intend to have those investigations suspended. Its old news now, anyway. If you recall, I had promised to remedy the unemployment problem and I will as soon as I’m sworn in. I will appoint many high-paying jobs to those who contributed the most money towards my campaign. It’s only fair! Without them I wouldn’t be here. (A hard nudge from a TV commentator) Oh! Not without the voters, too, of course.
My opponent recalled I was for gun control. Well, yes, I do believe no one should own a gun – except me! A man in my position has to defend himself from terrorists. Unfortunately, terrorists exist. They’re the ones who don’t like what I stand for. It’s just politics, folks! It’s the way the game is played. Also, there were issues too risky for me to confront at the time – and still are, like lowering taxes, racial discrimination, school lunches, corrupt judges and the health care. But, I promise to seriously look into renewing the park benches that have caused splinters to our senior citizens, make adjustments to the loose awning over the borough hall, look into the dog poop law and have the fire hydrants repainted. Truth is, both I and my opponent paid a commercial media consultant who advised us not to touch certain sensitive issues for the time being. And, I promise I’ll not burden you with those issues ever again – until next election time. So, in closing I want to thank my staff for working long hours getting me elected. But, economizing has to start somewhere and sanitation guys would claim overtime. Post election parties have littered the streets. We all know that volunteering is a nobler undertaking. So, volunteers, let’s get that job done. But, I promise to always be up front with you, my voters, there being no reason for grandstanding in this, my glorious hour! Thank you! And, now my opponent has a few words.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I stand before you as the candidate who lost the election to a man who is, at this time, still trying to appear as your representative for peace, justice and the American way. Only superman did that! Just for the record, there are a few facts you, the public, should be informed about. My opponent was shown on TV wearing a checkered shirt, sleeves rolled up, a jacket slung over his shoulder, suspenders, a straw between his teeth, looking real country. Next thing he’d tell you is that he plays a banjo and can square dance. But, you’ll have to face facts – that he’s from the Bronx, gambles big time, has been seen as a regular at a shady night spot entertaining a female of dubious reputation. I knew he’d deny those charges. I had photographs to prove it. But, they were confiscated them from my office. Photogate! His dog, Mugsy, was in his backyard in a snow storm, shivering. However, I wish him a successful term in office. Thank you and good night!
Hi, again! (Pushing aside the exiting opponent) Let me make myself clear! Before the elections I wished my opponent luck. I didn’t mention what kind. I’m not a hypocrite! I said, “May the best man win!” And he did! I must impress on you, my fellow Americans, that I am not a gambler – with a problem. I do bet Black Jack once in a while to relax from the tremendously stressful issues that confront me – like the ones I mentioned, earlier. Mugsy was borrowed for publicity photos. My wife is allergic to dogs. It’s just politics! The woman my sore loser opponent mentioned happened to be a volunteer on my campaign. I owed her my gratitude for the time she…ahh, worked with…on…for… me. (sweating) I couldn’t thank her publically. So, like the church funds, and Mugsy and the volunteer, let’s keep going. I will return you to your regular scheduled program. Good night.