Dear Stavroula,

I am 27 years old and have been in a relationship for six months with a man 10 years older than me. He’s divorced with two children. Even though he’s been divorced for two years, we still don’t live together because his kids spend a great deal of time at his home. However, we have discussed the future of our relationship and he has told me that he loves me and wants us to move forward together.

My problem is that even though he has assured me he is serious, he refuses to introduce his children to me so we can spend more time together since now I only see him every other weekend and maybe one day a week.

As many times as I tried to discuss it with him, my partner cut off the conversation with the excuse that he wants me to respect the relationship he has with his children. But I feel very insecure with this situation, as a result of which I often create tension and make things worse. I don’t know how to deal with this and I would like your help.

Sophia

Dear Sophia,

When one is a parent, one’s children are or should be a priority in one’s life. This means that until they grow up and become independent, he will have to regulate his life around his children. He has an obligation to be there when they need him, when they get sick, when they have extracurricular activities, when they miss him. In other words, he has the responsibility and obligation to be part of their lives, to be their father regardless of what his relationship with their mother is or how his personal life has developed.

When someone who is single chooses a partner who has children, he must keep in mind that his life will be completely different than if he had chosen a partner without commitments. A parent with children has much less free time, and certainly cannot regulate his life considering only himself.

Something similar is happening in your case. Your partner is a father who actively participates in the lives of his children and this is something that deserves your appreciation and respect, because it shows a man who is aware of his role and responsibilities.

The same may be shown by his decision not to introduce his children to you yet. This should be done when he feels that the right time has come, when he understands that his children have adjusted to the new situation after the separation, that they feel a secure emotional bond with both parents and can accept a new partner in the life of one or both. Something like this cannot be done hastily even from an impulse in the moment, because it can cause gradual changes in the child’s behavior.

So the question is whether you can handle being in this kind of relationship that has its limitations and difficulties. Ask yourself if your feelings for the person you are with are deep and honest, so that you can give him the time and distance he needs to keep his relationship with his children healthy and strong, and to be able to give his best to your relationship as well.

A calm conversation with him would help a lot. Talk to him honestly about your feelings, ask him to help you feel better about what’s bothering you, but at the same time listen with respect and acceptance to his side as well, and try to understand the way your partner sees things.

Then you can think and decide what you want for your life, what is best for you – and act accordingly.