Like I had written once before, people can say the funniest (and, stupidest), things. I’ve gathered some remarks that I think you, the more intelligent readers of The National Herald, (like myself), will find interesting. So, let me present you with some of my findings, beginning with the sign in Taiping Park, Malaysia: ENJOY. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISKS.

Reporter to baseball great, Yogi Berra: Were you apprehensive in the twelfth inning? Yogi Berra: “No, but I was scared!” Lancaster, Ohio newspaper: Health Department says death certificates are to be ordered one week in advance of death.

Example of the high intelligence standards of our congressmen: “These are not my figures I’m quoting. They’re from someone who knows what he’s talking about.” Sometimes crime can be most, ’fowl’. For instance: The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain crimes: assassinating the president, hijacking an airliner, and murdering a government poultry inspector.

Some criminals need to do some math homework: Maryland bank robber to a teller: GIVE ME $418 – AND NO ONES.” Hilton Hotel in Jakarta: “Please tell the public not to kill themselves on hotel property. It confounds us. If they want to die they can use the river, for example.” George W. Bush speaking at a Menorah Lighting ceremony: “Osama Ben Laden would never understand the joys of Hanukkah.” When Donald Trump was asked if he’d consider becoming a presidential candidate, before he actually did: “To be blunt, people would vote for me. They just would. Maybe it’s because I’m so good looking, I don’t know.” Reporter: “What do you think about Tiger Woods?” Golfer Sandy Lyle: “I don’t know. I’ve never played there.”

Here’s a job announcement put out by the U.S. Department of Interior: “Minorities, women, and the mentally challenged are strongly encouraged to apply.” The New York Times on how Clinton’s health care plan would effect a typical couple: “They could choose a higher-cost plan, which would cost them more, or a lower-cost plan, which would cost them less.” (Got it?) Ottawa newspaper: “Renewed fighting threatens peace.”

And, there are times when keeping your mouth shut is the better option. English aristocrat to an acquaintance: “Who is that ugly woman that just came in?” Acquaintance: “That’s my wife!” Aristocrat: “Oh, sir! I do beg your pardon. I didn’t mean her. I meant the shocking monster beside her.” Acquaintance: “That’s my daughter!”

Do people really vote for representatives like this one from Ohio, John Galbraith? He proposed: “We should abolish January and February. If we then divide the fifty-nine extra days between July and August, we will cut our energy needs by about one-third through eliminating the coldest days if the year. Cold is largely a psychological matter. If people look at the calendar and see that it is July, they will be quite happy to turn the heat down.” (I know I would!) George W. Bush: “Our nation must come together to unite!” (Can’t argue with that.) Long Island City politician, George Koop in support of a local nuclear power plant: “Actual meltdown takes about three to five days, and that’s certainly enough time to evacuate Long Island.” (No problem.) Mogul Donald Trump to Larry King: “Do you mind if I sit back a little? Your breath is very bad!” Astronomy.com horoscope: “The future is closer than ever” (Did you know that?) Vice president, Dan Quayle: “I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.” Here’s a good one from Philadelphia mayor Frank Rizzo: “The streets of Philadelphia are safe; it’s the people who make them unsafe” And, on the positive side, Chicago mayor Richard M. Daley commented: “The more killings and homicides you have, the more havoc it prevents.”  (Who voted for that guy?)

Lastly, here’s a good one from Arthur Levine, president of the Teacher’s college, Colombia University: “The fundamental problem with being poor is that you don’t have enough money.” (Very logical. Never mind food stamps. How outdated!) But, I know who wrote ‘Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’. It was Dr. Suess!