Ask Stavroula: My Friend Sent a Message to My Husband and He Hid It

The National Herald Archive

Dear Stavroula,

I am 27 years old and happily married. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, we love each other and are very close. We have no secrets between us and we discuss everything. Or at least that's how I thought it was. A few days ago, while he was in the shower, a text message came in on his cellphone that he had left on the coffee table in front of me.

I took a quick glance at it. It was from my best friend! It seemed strange to me since they didn't have a close relationship with each other, and my husband is sometimes annoyed when my friend comes over.

Why did she text my husband? If she needed his help for something, wouldn't she reach out to me first? I left the cellphone where it was and acted like nothing happened. My husband read the message without replying and told me nothing. He didn't tell me anything over the next few days either. And neither did she. Is it absurd that I’m thinking all sorts of things about their relationship? I decided not to talk to my husband and observe them together. But all this has affected me very badly. What should I do? Katerina

Dear Katerina,

You saw a message on your husband's cellphone from your best friend that neither of them informed you about, and you suspect something is going on between them.

What concerns me more than the incident itself is that one of your first thoughts is that something may be going on between your husband and your friend. The first thing I would advise you to do is reflect on the reasons why you thought it. Because your first thought, for example, wasn't that it was a trivial or random message.

Your friend could be asking your husband for a phone number of one of his acquaintances or to ask him something related to his profession.

Do you have any examples of your husband's behavior that make you not trust him? You write to me that you have a very close relationship with each other. Then why didn't you talk to him directly about the message? Why didn't you ask him clearly what your friend wanted? What made you say nothing? Is it because you feel something is wrong with your relationship? Or is this your choice because of your character? Do you sometimes react with suspicion or jealousy?

First of all, it would be advisable to clarify this issue –for what reasons, that is, did you not attribute your concerns to your own person and preferred to observe him from a distance.

Don't get me wrong, I do not rule out the possibility that you are right and something suspicious is happening between these two people. Especially if you've noticed something strange when all three of you are together, some looks, smiles or comments that you don't like, if either your husband or your friend doesn’t want to spend time with you all together more often than not, if you have felt a strange familiarity or suspicious behavior between them. You don't mention it in your letter, but it could be something like that.

If, then, you have good reasons to suspect an affair and want to save your marriage, you should clarify what your husband wants and find ways to overcome the crisis, perhaps with the help of an expert.

Of course, if this is the case, you should cut all ties with your friend.

There is, of course, a third possibility. Your friend is flirting with your husband and he is resisting. You've told me he doesn't like her visiting your home often. Is that the reason? Perhaps he doesn't tell you anything because he doesn't want to upset you? Is it in your friend’s nature not to hesitate at flirting with her best friend's husband?

It is my opinion that you should speak honestly with your husband and express your concerns calmly and without conflict and accusations. I believe that this will clear things up and calm you down.