You probably think you have the freedom to make any choice when making decisions. You don’t. Free choice happens when you are faced with all possible options before you decide. However, the way our personalities are formed prevents us from the luxury of considering all options.

Freedom is when we lay in front of us a pair of opposite choices whenever we have a decision to make. Then we consider them equally. However, without realizing it, only one part of our personality is typically involved in making a choice: the dominant part. For example, if our dominant part is the responsible/organized person, when we take a trip, we will think ahead and organize all the details. The choice of taking off with no itinerary or clear plans for where to go or stay, or what to do once there, not only never enters our mind, but we consider such a choice ridiculous and irresponsible.

A person whose dominant personality is responsible/organized will plan everything without ever considering the opposite possibility, which is held by the spontaneous/risk taker part of the personality.

It is of the utmost importance to wake up to the fact that our personality is composed of pairs of opposite parts. Only when we integrate both opposite parts do we experience true freedom, which makes it possible for us to consider all of the choices before us. If the spontaneous/risk taker was integrated along with our responsible/organized part in our decision-making, then most probably we would plan for a trip that has some parts planned and other parts unplanned.

How is this dominant personality formed? We are conditioned by the values and beliefs of our family, culture, religion, era, schooling, and other environmental factors. Due to this conditioning, the parts that become dominant, and with which we self-identify, are those parts that during childhood were given attention and were praised, loved, and rewarded. The opposite aspects get buried because they did not serve us well. Typically, they were punished and judged by parental figures. If the spontaneous part of our personality was punished and buried, it will no longer be allowed to take part in our life decisions. And often, when we come across another person who behaves like that, we either judge them, feel jealous, or admire their ability to be spontaneous/risk takers.

When we bury or disown parts of ourselves, we lose out on the gifts they can offer us. You see, every single aspect of our personality has two sides: gifts and limitations. When we bury a part that we undervalue, we also bury its gifts. A spontaneous/risk taker’s gifts include new adventures, and the possibility for expansion, growth, and new experiences. Some of the limitations of a responsible/organized part are predictability, limited surprise, and routine. It is not about becoming the opposite. It is about, at times, allowing ourselves to take the opposite choice into consideration so we can make integrated decisions which contain both sides.

Our life experiences encouraged us to use only one set of skills and bury their opposites. But that was in the past. Back then it was a good choice. It might have saved us from pain. But now we have the luxury to revisit and re-examine ourselves, so we can benefit from the gifts that these buried parts carry. Gaining access to our buried parts while making decisions will only enrich our lives. That is true freedom. Good Journeying!

PS: The method of Voice Dialogue, created by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone, is one of the best ways to gain access to all the parts of your personality. If you wish to learn more about this method or have a Voice Dialogue facilitation, please call my office at 516-568-0306 or email: [email protected].

Yolanda Koumidou, LCSW, BCD, CHT, is a bilingual psychotherapist, Greek and English, and Executive Director of the Koumidou Center, LLC, with 30+ years experience in offering individual and couples therapy nationally and internationally. She is the author of a few books and poetry collections and a host of a popular podcast focusing on Harmony in Relationships. She has an office in Lynbrook and a retreat center in Upstate New York where she offers private individual and couples retreats. More information is available online: www.koumidouretreats.com and by phone: 516-568-0306.

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