Dear Stavroula,

I am 27 years old and I have a twin sister who is getting married. Her future husband is handsome, financially well off, with his own business – what everyone would call an ‘catch’. Her friends and our relatives like him a lot, and in front of others he treats her perfectly, takes care of her, takes her to the best places, gives her expensive gifts, etc. But I know that in reality he puts her down and is very jealous of her.

My sister has told me about some clashes, and I felt really bad. Lately, he’s been pushing her to quit her job and work in his own business with the excuse of spending more hours together because he works a lot. To convince her, he downplays her work and the company my sister works for – or he tells her that her bosses are hitting on her because in fact they value her so much and promote her.

I think he just wants to control her and I’m trying to make her understand that this is not love. But she is very much in love and refuses to see it. She constantly makes excuses for him and believes that in time he will understand how much he loves her and will calm down. Do you think this can be done when the other person is a narcissist? Because that’s what I think he is. How can I help her understand this?

Georgia

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Dear Georgia,

Each narcissistic personality operates in a different way. If we could talk about a narcissistic personality in general, we would say that he usually displays arrogant behavior, lack of empathy, a tendency to show off at every opportunity, an inability to admit mistakes and apologize, a strong need for confirmation and admiration from others – but also a tendency to exploit others.

In their relationships, narcissistic personalities do not feel equal to others and prefer people to compromise to their expectations or demands. They have a strong need for control over their partners and this manifests itself in behaviors such as belittling, emotional violence, and the tendency to manipulate.

From what you write, it is possible that your future brother-in-law has some of these characteristics. In this case your sister may be involved in a difficult, toxic relationship.

What might help her in the first instance is to talk to her honestly and respectfully, explaining to her what worries you about her future husband’s behavior, without criticizing her or trying to impose your point of view on her. Reassure her that you are with her in all her decisions and choices. Only in this way will you not drift away and be able to support and help her.

On the subject of work, try to make her understand with logical arguments how important it is to keep her independence and continue to do something she loves that offers her recognition and opportunities. Also talk to other people she trusts and values and ask for their help.

Listen to her with attention and love and try to understand what makes her justify her partner’s behavior. It can be a strong feeling of insecurity, the fear that she is not good enough to meet the life partner she is dreaming of, or with whom she finds the feeling of intimacy that she seeks. Help her understand what she is feeling.

What will help her most is to accept getting professional help. Suggest that she talk to a mental health professional using the argument that this way she will better understand her beloved’s behavior and how she herself should react to these situations in order to feel better. He will help her understand how difficult these relationships are and if there is a possibility that these people can change over time.

In any case keep the relationship with your sister close and honest, but if you feel that she is in any way threatened by her partner, seek help.