Dear Stavroula,

I’m about to marry the love of my life in a few months, and I would be truly ecstatic if it weren’t for my sister-in-law and her negative energy. Ever since she realized that my relationship with her brother is serious and moving forward, she’s been doing everything she can to ruin my mood with her comments, criticism, and nastiness about me and my family. The most difficult thing, however, is that she’s constantly vying for my husband’s attention. She calls him every so often and demands his time, constantly asking for favors or seeking his help with various problems. She even comes to our house and stays for hours, using the excuse that she’s lonely and not feeling well because she just went through a breakup. My husband doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and goes along with all of this, and when I try to talk to him about it, he defends her and tries to maintain a neutral stance. I should mention that they are twins and that they lost their mother when they were young. Do you think this situation can change, or should I just accept that by marrying my husband, I’m also marrying his sister?

Yiota

Dear Yiota,

Sibling relationships are a particularly interesting and complex topic in psychology due to the unique dynamics that develop between them. Twin siblings, in particular, share a strong emotional bond as they have common experiences from the moment they are born and often go through critical stages of life together. This interdependence is further reinforced if they grew up with less emotional support from their parents, as in your case where there was the loss of their mother. Often, when this happens, they may feel that they ‘belong’ to each other more than to anyone else in their lives.

As siblings grow up, the expectations they have of each other can become particularly demanding and rigid, potentially leading to intrusive or overly dependent behaviors. Something similar seems to be happening in your situation. Your future sister-in-law may be struggling with feelings of insecurity or fear of losing her relationship with her brother, which may be driving her negative behavior.

What makes your situation even more challenging is your partner’s reluctance to set boundaries with his sister. Perhaps because of what they’ve been through, he has developed a strong sense of responsibility towards her, making it difficult for him to realize how her behavior is affecting your relationship.

The first thing that might help is an honest conversation with him about how this situation is affecting your relationship. Speak openly about what’s troubling you or how you feel, using ‘I’ statements about how you feel about the situation rather than blaming him. This approach may help prevent him from reacting defensively because he feels accused. For example, saying “I feel neglected when your sister demands so much of your time” is more likely to help him understand the situation than saying: “It’s not right for you to spend so much time with your sister and not realize how I feel!”

You could also encourage your partner to set some healthy boundaries with his sister. You might agree to have daily time that is just for the two of you. Additionally, during visits with his sister, you could try to expand the circle of people involved, so you are not just a ‘trio’, giving her the opportunity to socialize with new people.

If your future husband is unable to set boundaries and prioritize your relationship, it might be helpful to consult a specialist together who can assist you in managing this difficult situation by developing strategies that balance things out. On one hand, you shouldn’t feel that your relationship is being undermined or doubt your priority in his life. On the other hand, he may need to feel that he is present in his sister’s life and continue to support her, even though he’s getting married.

In any case, you need to think about how determined you are to fight for this relationship, with its positives and negatives. Your partner wouldn’t want to exclude his sister from his life, and if forced to do so, it wouldn’t bring him peace and happiness. That’s why it’s important to know if you can manage this situation and want to try, with love and respect for both your partner and yourself, to accept and improve it. Perhaps, if your sister-in-law feels that her relationship with her brother is not at risk, she may start treating you better. Maybe, if everything goes well, you might even feel like family with her someday.