Dear Stavroula,

I’m 18 years old and I’ve known my best friend since middle school. In high school we parted ways, because I changed schools and so she slowly started to distance herself from me. Until sophomore year of high school everything was perfect until love knocked on her door and I was psychologically destroyed.

Since then she has been spending more time with her boyfriend than me. She never calls me to share any of her news.

Every day I think about her and I miss her so much. She is with her boyfriend all the time and she has written me off.

My feelings are sadness, worry, frustration – and I’m crying all the time. I’m drowning in my emotions. I can’t take it anymore, I’ve collapsed inside myself psychologically.

Could you help me?

Anna

Dear Anna,

Friendship is a very important part of our lives, especially in adolescence where its role is decisive, because through friendly relationships young people become independent from the family and discover new aspects of the world around them. This is why these relationships can be very intense emotionally. And when such a relationship breaks down for some reason, the individual may experience very painful feelings.

Something similar may be happening in your case. Communication with your friend has changed, and this creates deep sadness and intense disappointment. For you, it is a very important relationship, something you consider not to be the case for your friend – and it is very natural that you find it difficult to accept the new situation.

However, at this age, love can also inspire the same intense feelings and often absorbs a lot of time and energy. The teenager in love experiences unprecedented feelings that create the need to spend as much time as possible with his partner. It seems that when the teenager falls in love, he focuses in an absolute way on the object of his desire, without this meaning that the rest of the relationships in his life are not important. At the given moment, however, they are overshadowed by the love affair.

Maybe this is also happening to your friend and her behavior is not due to indifference or a lack of love but to her need to experience the love relationship she is in with all its intensity.

There’s still a chance that she hasn’t realized how much all of this has bothered you and is taking your understanding and support for granted, especially if you haven’t made it clear to her how you feel.

An honest, well-intentioned conversation with understanding on both sides may help your relationship to be revitalized, even if lives have now changed. The important thing is not to blame her for her behavior, but to focus on how you feel and the consequences that her distancing herself has on you.

There is no need to suppress strong emotions when you can share them with people you trust and value. If there are adults in your environment that you could trust, tell them how you feel and ask for their support in overcoming this difficult situation.

This will go a long way in helping you accept the new situation in the event that this relationship has indeed come full circle.

Friendship, like love, is not a static situation in our lives. People do not change or evolve at the same rate, and sometimes what unites them in one phase of their lives is not enough in another phase.

When this happens, it is good to accept it, however difficult it may be. Your friend’s behavior may hurt you because it doesn’t meet your expectations, but sometimes the only solution is to adjust your expectations to the current circumstances.

It can also help to seek a change in your relationships, meet new people, start new activities, and move forward. Maybe it’s an opportunity to meet new people, participating in activities and groups that interest you. A theater group, a sports activity, a cultural club may become the occasion for new friendships, which may develop into lifelong relationships over time.

Finally, try by all means to take loving care of yourself. Read self-improvement books, do things that relax you and things that you love, spend time with other people you value and trust.

Difficulties are an integral part of life and the challenge is to learn to overcome them. Through them we develop and learn to survive. Through them we evaluate the relationships and people around us, understand what it is that we are really looking for in others, and learn to love ourselves.

Perhaps this focus on yourself, on what you need, on how you will feel better, and not on your friend’s behavior, could open new perspectives on your life and friendship.

In any case, it would be very helpful to talk to a mental health professional to better understand how you can deal with such a situation that is particularly painful for you. Perhaps with their help you will better understand your relationship with yourself and perhaps be able to improve it.