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Columnists

Leavened Or Unleavened, Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread

July 7, 2021

During the early days of the pandemic, having grown weary of agenda-driven, toxic cocktails named Rachel Maddow and Tucker Carlson, I found myself watching a lot more C-Span. The TV and radio non-profit, created in 1979, is financed by cable companies and prides itself on its objective, unbiased coverage of official Washington.

Translated, it means if you are hired as on-air talent, you’ll be required to drop your keys, jewelry, and critical thinking skills into the plastic container as you pass through building security.

Here’s a sampling of what I may or may not have heard on Washington Journal, the daily viewer call-in show.

Host: “Let’s go to Perry from Plainview, Texas. How do you feel about Biden’s proposed path for citizenship?”

Perry: “Is this C-Span? I’m a Republican. I called the Democrat line. I feel awful. I hope they don’t censure me.”

Host: “You’re on the air.”

Host: “Let’s move on … Mildred in Missoula, good morning.”

Mildred: “Good morning. Longtime caller, first-time listener.”

Host: “Welcome. Your thoughts on the issue of legal citizenship.”

Mildred: “I gotta tell you, C-SPAN. You guys are the best thing since sliced bread. Fair, focused, and faceless.”

Host: “Okay, let’s go to … Syosset, NY. Herman’s on the line.”

Herman: “Good morning. I agree with the last caller. You’re the best thing since sliced, Jewish rye bread. That’s all I want to say.”

Host: “Again, the topic is President Biden’s proposal to streamline the immigration policies established under Obama and Trump. Please turn your TV sound down when it’s your turn. Andy’s in Flint, Michigan.”

Andy: “I’m a 75-year-old retired auto worker. I tell you, I can’t make it on my little pension and social security. You may be the best thing since sliced bread. I want the whole loaf, but I can’t afford it.” 

Host: “We go to Ronald in Albany, NY. Good morning. How do you feel about Biden’s proposal to streamline and, in his words, ‘humanize’, the path to citizenship for illegal immigrants?”

Ronald: “OK, thanks for taking my call. Hello, America! C-Span is a long overdue public service. Kudos all around the studio!”

Host: “Do you have a comment?”

Ronald: “Nah. I just wanted to be on national TV. Now I can go to the bakery and score my week-old focaccia bread in peace. I just slice the mold off. Good as new!”

Host: (exasperated) “Praise God, my shift is over. I have to run home and make sure my kid is on Zoom. He’d better be engaged with the lesson plan or no Playstation5 for a month.” 

Host: “Mind picking me up an Entenmann’s on your way?”

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