I am 25 years old and have been separated from my boyfriend for about a year now. He was a great love for me and even though I was the one who decided to break up, I don’t know if I’ve gotten over it yet, because as a man he was very tender and giving. The reason I wanted to break up was because he didn’t want to go out at all and kept asking me to stay in and watch movies. As a personality he was more low-key than me – he doesn’t like to party in clubs, nor was he very social. His pastimes were reading and watching movies.

My problem is that he is now having an affair with an acquaintance of mine, and since I found out it has been bothering me a lot. And what’s even worse is that I see them together all the time, in places he refused to go with me – and I can’t understand what has changed now that he goes out so often. I really want to reach out to him and talk to him and tell him that I regret the way we broke up and ask him to reconsider. However, we broke up very badly and I’m afraid that he won’t talk to me, and I can’t stand that. What do you think I should do to approach him?

Tanya

Dear Tanya,

Very often, when a relationship ends one of the two partners finds it difficult to move on with their lives. This may be because many times people who break up still have feelings of guilt or regret that keep them clinging to the past, and make them reminisce about the partner they lost.

It even seems that with time one often forgets what has led him to break up, he only remembers the positive characteristics of the other and reminisces about the beautiful moments of the relationship.

But this tendency that man has by nature, that is, to remember more the positive events, can prevent him from closing the door on a relationship that has ended and moving on.

Perhaps something similar is happening in your case. At the time you were in the relationship and experiencing its difficulties and problems, you assessed the situation and made the decision to end it, having identified the differences in character between you and your partner.

Therefore, the first thing that would help you better understand what you really want and whether you should approach your ex-partner is to honestly answer the following questions:

What has changed now that you are so desperate to reconnect with a partner that when you were with him he wasn’t there for you? Do you think that you and your priorities or perceptions of the relationship have changed and therefore you can and want to make a fresh start on a new basis?

If the answer is yes, the question that follows is why you insist on claiming your ex-partner even when you know that he has entered into a new relationship. What might have motivated you at this particular moment to express your feelings to him?

You could perhaps talk to a specialist or a trusted friend or relative and discuss what is happening to you. It might help you better understand yourself and what you really want.

It is not uncommon for people to get back into a relationship after a period of separation. However, more often than not the relationship breaks down again – almost always for the same reasons that it broke down the first time.

Nevertheless, there is a chance for a relationship of this kind to survive and develop into a relationship of love and harmonious coexistence lasting over time. But the condition is that both members have worked a lot with themselves and have understood the importance of accepting and respecting the other.