Dear Stavroula,

My husband left me after 25 years of marriage for another woman. I can’t get over it even though it’s been almost a year now. I have not understood what I did wrong in this relationship. I am angry with myself for not understanding, because he had not given me any indication that he did not feel good in our relationship, before he announced to me that he was leaving. I feel like a mental wreck. I did everything for this man: I left my city and my family, I went into a different type of work than what I studied for, I even deprived myself of having a child, because he didn’t want children – and all this for him to leave me suddenly and without reason, for a woman who happened to appear in his path. Can you explain to me how someone can throw away a relationship of so many years like that, without even once caring to know what I’m doing and how I am? How can he just disappear from the life of a person who gave him everything?

Tanya

Dear Tanya,

It is not easy to accept abandonment. It’s not the same as trying to get over a breakup that’s consensual, or a relationship that ended for specific reasons both of you understand, even if one of you would have preferred it to continue.

There are many factors that determine how and when one can overcome such a situation. For some, this process can last for months or even more, depending on the character of each person and the length of the relationship. Surely, breaking up after a long-term relationship takes more time to get over.

And this happens because very often abandonment is experienced as a mourning process. The person who is abandoned experiences a feeling of panic, finds it difficult to accept his partner’s choice to leave, fears loneliness, feels sorry for himself, feels angry and thinks that he can never get over the person who chose to leave him. That is why it is very important to allow oneself to experience these feelings, to understand them and accept them. Only in this way will he overcome this difficult phase.

Something similar may be happening in your case. I cannot answer the question of what led your partner to disappear from your life. The reasons can be many and different. The fact that he hadn’t given you signs that something was wrong may indicate that many of these reasons have to do with his own personality. However, the safest way to possibly understand what happened is to seek the help of an expert. He will help you shine a light on the dark spots in your relationship, and understand what went wrong on both your partner’s side and your side, leading up to eventual divorce.

It might also help to dig into the fact that you gave up things you loved or your dreams to be with this person. Such choices are perhaps more about the person making them, even if they think they are making them for the sake of another. Answers to questions such as “what are the reasons that led you to make these decisions? Was it something you really wanted or something forced upon you? In the second case, for what reasons did the other’s wishes become more important than yours?” The answers might help you understand yourself better and move towards a healthier and happier relationship in the future.

However, clinging to the past will certainly not help you, nor will blaming yourself. It is one thing to understand and recognize your mistakes and another to be critical of yourself.

Finally, try to find outlets that will help you feel better, such as communication with loved ones, excursions, contact with nature, or anything else that pleases you.