By Phyllis “Kiki” Sembos

There seems no shortage of people saying stupid things, me included. But, when it is said by someone in public life – that’s embarrassing! Anyway, I’ve collected a few to just entertain you.

The American Library Association has contributed these from Library patrons: I have an emergency and I need the telephone number of 911. Another patron: Can you tell me why so many Civil War battles were fought in National Parks?”

This from the great baseball player Yogi Berra: “We made too many wrong mistakes!”(Thank goodness for car manuals) Honda CRX owner’s manual: If you crash, you can be injured.”(Really?) And: The fuel level gauge indicates the quantity of fuel in the tank.This from a Volvo manual: “To stop the vehicle, release the accelerator pedal and apply brakes.”

Food labels can be helpful. This one from Nabisco’s Easy Cheese label: “For best results, remove cap”. From a bottled soft drink label: “Twist top off with hands, throw away top.” On a cereal box: “To best enjoy our cereal, open box.” (Now, that’s being helpful)
President George W. Bush: “Our nation must come together to unite.” (Gee, I wish I’d said that.) Police detective questioning wounded officer:“Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no.” Vice President Dan Quayle at job training center in Atlanta: “If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But, if you train a person to fish they’ll fish for a lifetime.” (No time off?) Classified ad in England’s, Evening Mail: “For sale, 20 toilet rolls, hardly used, Xmas bargain”. (I’ll pass)

Phone company sent this letter: Dear Mr. Cook; we have attempted on several occasions to reach you by phone to discuss payment of your telephone account – which was recently disconnected.”Here’s another from Vice president Dan Quayle: “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

Headline in the Hendersonville Times (Mississippi): Illiteracy is still a poblem among Mississippi adults. (I think he’s right!) Headline in Norfolk, VA pilot pamphlet: “How to speak and write like a colleg graduat.”(No diploma for them)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: “Open packet, eat nuts”. (Why didn’t I think of that?) From President Gerald Ford: “Mr. Nixon was the thirty-seventh president of the United States. He had been preceded by thirty-six others.”(We can tell math was his good subject).

Bank robber in Maryland to teller: “Give me $418 – and, no ones”. Another bank robber who handed this note to teller: “Milk, loaf of bread and pick up laundry.”Newspaper headline on perpetrator, Harris Pope: “Pope to be arraigned for allegedly burglarizing Clinic” (I guess anyone can be a criminal).New Jersey Police Department announcement: “We shall offer police jobs to qualified women regardless of sex”. Detective unit in Miami:“We have a lot of factual information that has led to speculation.” (That clears things up.)

Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld at a pentagon briefing on what President George W. Bush had said: Needless to say, the president is correct – whatever it was he said.” (That’s clarifying things.)

Sportscaster, Ray French: “And, he’s got an ice pack on his groin there, so it’s possibly not a shoulder injury.” Ohio newspaper:“He told police that one of the men menaced him with a wench while the other covered him with a revolver.” Speed checked by police officer questioned by lawyer: “Yes, my radar was malfunctioning correctly.”

From the Literary Review: “For most people, death comes at the end of their lives.” (Timing sounds right!) And, my favorite: “What would you like most for Christmas”, was asked of various ambassadors: French Ambassador: “Peace in the world.” Russian Ambassador: “Freedom for all people enslaved by imperialism.” British Ambassador, Sir Oliver Franks: “Well, it’s very kind of you to ask. I’d quite like a box of crystallized fruit.”