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Culture

Greek-American Stories: More Stupidity

March 11, 2017
axilkourem

By Phyllis “Kiki” Sembos

There seems no shortage of people saying stupid things, me included. But, when it is said by someone in public life – that’s embarrassing! Anyway, I’ve collected a few to just entertain you.

The American Library Association has contributed these from Library patrons: I have an emergency and I need the telephone number of 911. Another patron: Can you tell me why so many Civil War battles were fought in National Parks?”

This from the great baseball player Yogi Berra: “We made too many wrong mistakes!”(Thank goodness for car manuals) Honda CRX owner’s manual: If you crash, you can be injured.”(Really?) And: The fuel level gauge indicates the quantity of fuel in the tank.This from a Volvo manual: “To stop the vehicle, release the accelerator pedal and apply brakes.”

Food labels can be helpful. This one from Nabisco’s Easy Cheese label: “For best results, remove cap”. From a bottled soft drink label: “Twist top off with hands, throw away top.” On a cereal box: “To best enjoy our cereal, open box.” (Now, that’s being helpful)
President George W. Bush: “Our nation must come together to unite.” (Gee, I wish I’d said that.) Police detective questioning wounded officer:“Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no.” Vice President Dan Quayle at job training center in Atlanta: “If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But, if you train a person to fish they’ll fish for a lifetime.” (No time off?) Classified ad in England’s, Evening Mail: “For sale, 20 toilet rolls, hardly used, Xmas bargain”. (I’ll pass)

Phone company sent this letter: Dear Mr. Cook; we have attempted on several occasions to reach you by phone to discuss payment of your telephone account – which was recently disconnected.”Here’s another from Vice president Dan Quayle: “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

Headline in the Hendersonville Times (Mississippi): Illiteracy is still a poblem among Mississippi adults. (I think he’s right!) Headline in Norfolk, VA pilot pamphlet: “How to speak and write like a colleg graduat.”(No diploma for them)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: “Open packet, eat nuts”. (Why didn’t I think of that?) From President Gerald Ford: “Mr. Nixon was the thirty-seventh president of the United States. He had been preceded by thirty-six others.”(We can tell math was his good subject).

Bank robber in Maryland to teller: “Give me $418 – and, no ones”. Another bank robber who handed this note to teller: “Milk, loaf of bread and pick up laundry.”Newspaper headline on perpetrator, Harris Pope: “Pope to be arraigned for allegedly burglarizing Clinic” (I guess anyone can be a criminal).New Jersey Police Department announcement: “We shall offer police jobs to qualified women regardless of sex”. Detective unit in Miami:“We have a lot of factual information that has led to speculation.” (That clears things up.)

Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld at a pentagon briefing on what President George W. Bush had said: Needless to say, the president is correct – whatever it was he said.” (That’s clarifying things.)

Sportscaster, Ray French: “And, he’s got an ice pack on his groin there, so it’s possibly not a shoulder injury.” Ohio newspaper:“He told police that one of the men menaced him with a wench while the other covered him with a revolver.” Speed checked by police officer questioned by lawyer: “Yes, my radar was malfunctioning correctly.”

From the Literary Review: “For most people, death comes at the end of their lives.” (Timing sounds right!) And, my favorite: “What would you like most for Christmas”, was asked of various ambassadors: French Ambassador: “Peace in the world.” Russian Ambassador: “Freedom for all people enslaved by imperialism.” British Ambassador, Sir Oliver Franks: “Well, it’s very kind of you to ask. I’d quite like a box of crystallized fruit.”

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