Dear Stavroula,

I am newly married with no children. In the last period of our relationship and shortly before marriage, my wife and I lived far away from each other due to work. Even though I had an affair while we were away from each other, I couldn’t tell my wife about it and eventually we got married. I thought a lot about breaking off the engagement, but I didn’t make that decision so as not to let down everyone who believed in me. My wife is a wonderful person and I love her for that and it would have been very difficult for me to leave her and to upset my family who really wanted this marriage. I believed that I would be able to overcome the affair, which I confess was extremely intense on all levels.

Unfortunately, however, the affair continued even after the wedding, with the result that my wife discovered text messages from my girlfriend asking me to break up with my wife immediately or break up with her. My wife, of course, demanded the same and I found myself pressured by both of them to make a decision. I promised my wife that I would break up with the other woman and she agreed to try again to save our relationship. But her behavior has changed and I feel that she is constantly concerned about the relationship I had and which I have actually ended.

My problem is that I’m afraid I sacrificed a great love for a relationship that might not last after all that has happened. I fear that my wife will never get over it and that at some point it will resurface. On the other hand, I can’t stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend, who I also hurt a lot. How do I manage all this happening to me?

Iakovos

Dear Iakovos,

There are many reasons why someone starts an affair. Such a relationship can be the result of sexual passion or the behavior of traumatized people who find it difficult to connect romantically on a deeper level, because they fear the possibility of someone getting too close to them.

But whatever the reasons for the affair, it can reveal a lot about both the relationship itself and the people involved in romantic triangles.

So perhaps the first step to getting out of this emotional rut is to understand what is happening to you. For what reasons did you seek out another relationship? Was there something missing in this particular relationship, or is this a behavior you’ve had in the past, in previous relationships?

And if the feelings for the new person in your life were really as strong as you say, why did you choose to stay in a relationship that doesn’t move you that much? What is behind this decision of yours? Is it a conscious choice for a person who you think is right for you as a life partner to later start a family with, or is it a decision out of insecurity or fear?

In other words, it would help a great deal to understand what your real feelings are, what your desires are, regardless of what others want or expect from you. In any case, honesty with yourself and your spouse, as well as with the third person, is necessary for everyone’s happiness.

As for your fears, indeed, sometimes infidelity gives the finishing blow to a relationship that has issues. But other times it is an opportunity to redefine the relationship and evolve. The continuity of the relationship depends on how the couple will handle the infidelity.

If you really want to continue your marriage, it might help if you and your wife consult with a specialist. Through this process, you will both be able to realize the difficulties or dysfunctions in your relationship and decide if you want to overcome them and in what way.