Dear Stavroula

Ask Stavroula: Why Hasn’t My Ex Returned?

April 13, 2020

Dear Stavroula,

My name is Thalia and I want to share this story with you. I had a relationship for seven years, two of which I lived with my ex. Everything was beautiful but last year there may have been problems we didn’t want to see. I had thought that I was no longer in love with him and he probably understood, although I always showed him that I was interested. After a fight we broke up, and while he asked me for time and space, I pressured him to get back together again, putting myself down, to no avail. After a while I learned he found someone else. I moved on with my life and experienced things I had never known before. I worked, I evolved, I became more creative in my work, I made new friends, I laughed, I was happy. Along the way I met Niko and we have been together for a few months now. He is wonderful, he takes great care of me and makes me happy. But the question remains in my mind, why my ex did not return, while everyone says they return? So what happened? Did he forget me so quickly? I feel that he wronged me. If we were together now, he wouldn’t leave me. I wish at least he could see me as I am now to get my justification. I want him to be as happy as I am in my new relationship but I don’t forget the pain that he made me feel. I would never leave Niko. He really makes me feel unique and brings out the best in me and he even asked me to marry him. While I was with my ex, I was jealous, pressuring him to marry me, and I was dependent on him.



Dear Thalia,

Each person reacts differently to the way they deal with their past, and this has to do with both the type of relationship and how they felt in it, and the way they perceive the relationship. Some keep in touch with people they have lived with, they feel good about communicating with them, having managed any negative feelings from the past. These people adapt to the change in the relationship and sometimes maintain friendly relations with their ex-partners.

Others cut off all contact abruptly because it helps them move on with their lives and they don’t feel the need to know what their ex-partners are doing. They never communicate and do not feel comfortable when the other person communicates with them. They believe that the relationship cannot develop and they prefer to leave it in the past.

You ask me why your ex-partner hasn’t shown up since you broke up. Maybe for one of the above reasons. However, I think it might help you to think more about why you would like him to return and what you would gain from such an eventuality.

Perhaps you have not yet overcome the fact that he chose to leave and you have experienced it as a personal rejection and even though you have evolved as a person since then you feel pain when you think that your ex chose to end your relationship, a relationship that was not going well because you also recognized the problems and in fact you had stopped feeling in love. Maybe you have linked your personal value to this person’s (or other people’s) attitude towards you, and that’s probably what you need to work on. How much you deserve as a person has to do with how much you recognize your own worth, with how well you know yourself.

You will not get your justification if the ex finds out how much you have changed, but only if you yourself understand you accept and love yourself.

You are currently in a relationship with a man who cares for you, values ??you and wants to share his life with you. You feel you are the best version of yourself and you are happy. This is a good time to start your journey to self-knowledge.


Dear Stavroula, I am 38 years old, divorced six months ago, with a 12-year-old son.

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