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Dear Stavroula

Ask Stavroula: Why Doesn’t He Ask Me to Get Back Together?

Dear Stavroula,

Two years ago I had a relationship with a man and fell deeply in love. We were together for about six months and our relationship was very intense at every level. He suddenly broke up with me without my understanding the real reason. Then I decided to cut off all communication with him, and I kept it up for two months. But he was stuck in my mind and I called him to meet me. He told me that he got back together with his ex and asked me to stay friends. I accepted, because I couldn't stand not communicating with him at all. At that time we had met a couple of times for coffee and it was really painful for me to hear him talk about his girlfriend. But a while ago, when she left him, we started communicating more often and he often told me that he only felt calm with me, that with me he could be himself and so on. We went out a few times but nothing happened. I still want to be with him a lot, but I'm afraid he’s just using me. Could there be another reason why he doesn't ask me to get back together?

Elsa

Dear Elsa,

There are many reasons why someone may be reluctant to enter into a relationship.

He may not be ready to commit at that time, he may be preoccupied with other issues such as his responsibilities at work or he may need time to clarify what exactly he wants in a relationship, what he can offer himself, or what went wrong in his previous relationships.

After that, he may not have yet clarified his feelings for the person he is interested in, or he may not have completely dealt with his past.

Or again he may be afraid of being hurt. There are many people who, having experienced rejection or abandonment at some point in their lives, are reluctant to start a new relationship because they are afraid of experiencing the same painful feelings over and over again.

There are others who, having come out of a relationship, can't stand being alone and for a while make do with relationships that are easily offered to them until they get back on their feet and look for something else.

So if you really want to know why the person you are interested in is not asking you to start your relationship again, and you can stand to hear the truth, it might be best to ask him, and have an honest conversation with him.

But I would like you to think of two things anyway.

First of all, you write to me that in the past he suddenly broke up with you and you never understood why. Why did you not ask him why chose to live without you then, since you had a very strong emotional relationship?

Because it might seem logical from the moment you started going out again and speaking more personally, that you would want to know what went wrong then, so that it doesn't happen again in the future. So is there any reason you are avoiding learning what happened? Is there something you don't want to hear or feel that you can't handle?

And if you have decided not to ask about the past, what assures you that you will not face the same situation in the future?

Secondly, you write to me that you are afraid that he is using you. Why do you feel that way? Does his behavior give you some sign, or is it your own fear?

From what you write to me, I understand that you are there for him every time he needs you. Is he there for you? Do you talk to him honestly about what is bothering you in your life? Does he really listen to you when you trust him so wholeheartedly?

Think about it all and make your own decisions. It is good when we feel that something is amiss to examine it in depth.

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