Dear Stavroula,

I have been married for six years and my wife and I have a good relationship. My problem is that my wife avoids me romantically and every time I approach her she seems reluctant. After the birth of our youngest child this situation has almost become permanent and I just silently accept the rejection. I feel very disappointed and afraid that she doesn’t want me anymore and just stays with me because we have three children. I am still very much in love with her and I don’t want to lose her. I would like your opinion,

Aris

Dear Aris,

Affection between the couple is a determining factor in a healthy relationship in which one feels loved and desired by one’s partner. When someone shows their significant other that they desire sexual contact with them, they send the message that the relationship is working, that the other person is important to them, and that they have feelings for them. For this reason and in the case that there is never the first move from the other person, or there is a lukewarm or even no mood, this can be perceived as a rejection or a lack of feelings.

However, a lack of desire for sexual intercourse can be due to many other factors. A woman with young children may at the end of the day feel exhausted and in need of sleep. A woman in menopause can suffer from the changes in her body and hormones and lose her desire.

Anyone who experiences intense stress at work, is faced with a problem in the family such as a sick parent, or is going through a difficult phase in their life can lose the desire for sex.

The important thing is how one interprets the lack of amorous mood and what one does about it. Many times the person who takes the first step and does not see a response may sweep the problem ‘under the rug’ and avoid addressing it, because they may feel ashamed of themselves or fear that they are not good enough. In other words, if he doesn’t have self-esteem, if he doesn’t love himself, he may have the feeling that he ‘deserves this’ and refuse to take the initiative to improve the situation.

Thus the lack of willingness which may be due to reasons outside the relationship is interpreted as a personal rejection with all the consequences. The behavior of the one who feels the rejection may have changed and the other person may not understand why this is and it may create a vicious circle of ‘silent’ misunderstandings.

Something like this may be happening in your case as well.

Perhaps an honest, non-accusatory conversation with your partner will help you understand what is going on in your relationship and what needs to be done to resolve this situation. Explain to her how you feel, and what you think whenever she seems reluctant and ask her what is behind it. Discuss what each of you needs to feel good and how both of your needs could be met.

If the reasons are related to her daily life, ask her to suggest ways to make it easier. Maybe you need to take on more things around the house or taking care of the kids so she can have time for herself.

But if the problem is a lack of feelings on her part, you may need to review your role in your marriage and to consider why you want to stay in a relationship that isn’t working. Maybe you should seek the help of an expert. We all deserve happiness and satisfaction in our relationships.