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Dear Stavroula

Ask Stavroula: My Former Fiancé Is Back, But Can I Trust Him?

Dear Stavroula,

I have been living alone for two years after a series of failed relationships and an engagement five years ago. Sometimes my loneliness is so intense that I cannot stand it. I live far away from my family and now with the pandemic I am isolated from everyone. And while I am in this situation, my former fiancé contacted me, who broke up with me because his family (he is some years younger than me) did not like me at all, especially his mother. Of course, he never admitted that this was the reason for the break up, but he instead said it was the many quarrels we had at that time. (Of course, I should note that most of them were caused by his mother). So he called me, and asked me to meet him, and he came over to my house. After some visits and many hours of discussions, we got very close again, he told me that he never got over me and that he wants us to try again. I really need a partner; I am 42 years old and the truth is that I still have strong feelings for him, even though he never contacted me all these years. But I'm afraid he will leave me again and I'll be in pain like I was before. I know I cannot endure another rejection. On the other hand, what if this time the relationship goes well? I really do not know what to do.

Ioanna

Dear Ioanna,

It is really very difficult this period that we live in especially, for those of us who live alone. Due to the pandemic we have been deprived of our friends, our families, our activities. This really often results in those of us who are without a permanent partner experiencing intense loneliness.

So this strong feeling of loneliness can sometimes create intense despair, frustration and/or fear for our future. So when someone shows up at this stage, and companionship is again a choice, there is a chance that we want to commit, more because we want a relationship rather than because we choose a specific person.

In your case, a former fiancé returned, who disappeared for five years. First of all, this person can be a completely different person from the one you knew, either for better or for worse. Therefore, before making any decision, it would be good to meet again, to spend time together.

This way you will be able to find out if your ex-fiancé is the person you really want to spend your life with and not a choice out of necessity, fear, or despair. Loneliness is really very difficult, but it is even more difficult when one experiences it while in a relationship, when one is with one's partner and still feels alone.

Another thing you should probably clarify is if the things that led to your separation the first time have disappeared. You write to me that the mother of your ex-fiancé was completely negative in your relationship and how he was greatly influenced by the attitude of his family. However, there is the contradiction that if a relationship is strong and solid no external factor of this kind can dissolve it. What was it about your relationship that made it vulnerable?

What has changed now? What will be his attitude and decision if his family continues to have objections to your relationship?

Maybe for your ex-fiancé the reason you broke up was not his mother's insistence but really the conflicts you had?

I believe that if you try to answer such questions you will feel more confident about your choice, whatever it is.

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Dear Stavroula, I am writing to you because I am facing a big dilemma.

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