Dear Stavroula,

I have been married for 25 years and I am approaching the age of 55. My husband and I have an intense and tender relationship, without any particular problems. I still feel in love with him, he is for me both a partner and a friend and my life with him is what I always wanted. I live in great financial comfort and I enjoy things that for many people are a dream. The only problem I have is that now my husband is flirting with other women. This is not something new, from the beginning of our relationship I knew that my husband has a job in which he is surrounded by women (let me not go into details) and I understood that he should be polite, pay attention to them, and be talkative. I also know that my husband is a very handsome man who attracts attention. But that used to not bother me, perhaps because I also felt much more confident about my appearance. But now I suffer, and as a result I often make scenes to undermine our relationship. I’m tired of my behavior but it is no longer possible for me to control it. And as many times as I tried to discuss it with him we ended up arguing. What can I do? I do not want to ruin my relationship.

Irene

Dear Irene,

Flirting is a form of communication between two people that is not just about sexual attraction.

People like to flirt for many different reasons. Sometimes they use it to convey the message that they are erotically available, others just to have fun and feel attractive. Some people use flirting to make others feel good or to achieve a professional goal, other times they flirt because they need it to boost their self-confidence.

From what you write to me, I do not understand exactly what the problem is in your relationship. You mention that it bothers you that your husband is flirting with other women but as you present it, it seems that this is part of his job and that it is not something new. In this case, it seems that while there was a kind of agreement between you, and you accepted the situation, but you now want to change this agreement, resulting in a conflict with your man, who otherwise does not seem to have changed something in his own behavior. In fact, the fact that you know about the flirting may indicate that your spouse is not trying to cheat on you.

If this is the case, and the reason you react strongly and cause scenes has to do with your own insecurity, it might help to understand where this insecurity is coming from and look for ways in which you can increase your positive self-image which you even mentioned that you had in the past. Self-improvement books or self-awareness groups might help.

It would also help to explain exactly how you feel to your spouse, focusing on your own feelings and without verbally attacking or blaming him. The attack makes us act defensively and close the bridges of communication, while the calm and honest discussion helps much more in clarifying situations and resolving differences.

But if you have reason to believe that your husband's flirtation is romantic in nature, maybe you should reconsider your relationship with him and maybe with the help of an expert to examine if there is room to develop and work on new foundations or if the cycle is already complete.