Dear Stavroula,

I am 20 years old and I am a student. For the first time in my life, about four months ago, I started dating a girl five years older than me. My problem is that my girlfriend is in an amateur theater group and hangs out a lot with her co-star, with whom she also has a kissing scene. When I tried to tell her, she cut me off and told me that no matter how much she cares about me, we would break up if I brought up the topic again. I don’t know what to do, because I am very much in love with her. Maybe that’s why I’m so jealous and I’m suffering. I’m thinking of telling her that we should break up to pressure her, but the truth is that I’m afraid to do it. I would like your opinion.

Orestes

Dear Orestes,

Jealousy is a normal emotion that almost all people have experienced at some point in their lives. In fact, when one can understand what is hidden behind this annoying feeling, it can be extremely useful.

Jealousy is most often created by the person himself without necessarily having an external cause. Maybe this is also the case with you, if indeed your girlfriend does not give you clear and unequivocal proof that your relationship is not important to her or that there is another person in her life. To clarify whether this is the case or not, in case you are not sure, you can talk to a person who knows both of you and can help you to clarify it better for you.

If you find that her relationship with her co-star is really more than friendly, then you may need to set your own boundaries from the beginning of your relationship, agreeing on what the principles and bases of the relationship will be and what you expect from each other.

But if you find that the jealousy you feel is not based on anything your girlfriend is actually doing, then it may mask a feeling of personal inferiority, insecurity, and inadequacy. In other words, one is not jealous because he loves or because he is in love, but because he does not consider himself capable of love, or loved enough by his partner to want the relationship to continue. When one understands this, it is very important to try to overcome it by working hard with oneself and thus claiming peace and happiness in one’s life and relationships. In the process you may need help from a specialist.

In any case, it would not help you to try to ‘force’ your girlfriend to leave something she loves just because it causes you feelings of insecurity. Apart from love and affection, what helps the relationship to develop is respect and trust. Respecting the other means that I leave him free space to do what he loves and encouraging him to develop in the things he loves, and trusting him means that I do not wonder about his intentions and feelings for no reason.

Your girlfriend’s behavior shows her to be a mature and conscious person who knows that if she gives in to such a demand as yours, to satisfy your insecurity, there is a chance that she will enter a vicious circle with you constantly demanding and her constantly giving in until the final result will be to lose herself. In this case, she would no longer be the person you fell in love with – and you might not be interested in her anymore.

Stavroula Tsoutsa is a Certified Holistic Professional Life Coach, ICF ACC, Certified Heartmath Coach/Mentor and Trainer, and Certified Points of You Practitioner.