Dear Stavroula,

I am 42 years old and completely unsuccessful in my life. Though I have a good job and what many would call financial comfort, I am not happy about anything anymore. All my life I have dreamt of having a family, a husband who loves me and to love him, and all I have accomplished so far is falling flat on my face.

My life is full of failed relationships with men who have never been suitable for me, as if I’m attracting them like a magnet. I’m tired of getting hurt, frustrated, of crying, and of meeting yet another unworthy man. I’m tired of counting the years I’ve lost in relationships that made me unhappy.

I see others around me living with their families, raising their kids, being loved by their partners, making their lives meaningful, and I’m wondering what am I doing wrong, what’s wrong with me, and I can’t find a person to really love me?

MZ

Dear MZ,

What you may be doing wrong is that you are looking for the meaning of your life in a relationship, and not in all that you are, in all the good you have in your life. You have a good job, the financial stability to enjoy some things in your life that other people may be unable to do, but none of them give you joy. I would advise you to seek the help of a specialist and try to find yourself first.

Start slowly discovering all that gives you joy and satisfaction beyond relationships, such as friends, personal development, reading, traveling, visiting the countryside. Happiness is not dependent on a relationship, it is hidden in simple everyday things, as long as we allow ourselves the free to experience it.

In your situation, many people are often trapped who overestimate their need for companionship, choosing the wrong partners.

A good way to avoid making the wrong choice again is to clarify within yourself exactly what you are looking for, what kind of companion would make you happy. I would advise you to record these characteristics that you would like your man to have and to evaluate your relationships with respect to them so far. Did the men you associated with have the qualities you are looking for? If so, what went wrong? If not, why did you compromise?

It is also advisable to list the qualities of the men you have gone out with up until now and try to understand if these qualities are relevant to your true desires. For example, you may be afraid of ending up alone and would prefer anyone rather than being alone. But can you be happy when you base your choices on fear or insecurity?

Or again you may feel like the years are passing and you want to have a family because this is the dominant social model. But is it a safe criterion for your own happiness, what others expect you to do?

Or maybe you could see that something was wrong with the people you chose and thought you could change them. But do you have the right to require another person to change to fit your own beliefs or wants?

Think deeply and honestly – take a break from dating, and start a new relationship first with yourself. If you do not appreciate first what you are, if you do not treat yourself with love and respect, how can you expect your partner to?