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Dear Stavroula

Ask Stavroula: He Disappeared from Our Relationship for No Reason

October 17, 2021

Dear Stavroula,

I am 23 years old and this year I am completing my studies. All these years I have been studying I could not make a relationship last, although I wanted it very much. I went through one disappointment after another. That’s why I decided to take a break and be alone, the conditions with COVID also helped. This situation lasted until recently when I met G. He is a PhD student at my school and a few years older than me. At first, we hung out a lot, we talked for hours on the phone and he also showed interest in a more serious relationship. We started dating romantically and I really felt that for the first time I found someone I like both as a man and for his personality. Of course, he asked me at school to keep it cool, because he did not want it known that he had a relationship where he works. Of course, I respected that and we met outside or at home. While he seemed enthusiastic – for example he would tell me how different I am from girls my age and how lucky he is – suddenly after about a month, he cut off communication. He does not respond to the messages I send him and when I meet him at school he pretends not to know me. I tried to talk to him but he treated me very coldly. I do not know what I did wrong. He did not even bother to explain to me what happened. Can you tell me what to do? I feel desperate.

Helen

Dear Helen,

Despite the fact that your generation takes it for granted that you are free to love whomever you choose and it is very easy to approach sexual partners, it seems that our time is more conducive to isolation and superficial relationships. Young people often seem to be afraid to bond emotionally and often prefer casual sex with partners whom they can meet through dating apps.

That is why it is very common for relationships to break down without the interested parties trying to see what is wrong and if it can be corrected. In fact, many times they end a relationship without even bothering to explain to the other why they are leaving.

Most of the time, these are people with low self-esteem who, not considering themselves capable of keeping a worthy partner, choose to leave the relationship as soon as it begins to deepen, so as not to get hurt. Then they even can behave harshly to the person who wants to stay together, without respecting the other person’s feelings at all.

This may be true in the case of your relationship and explains the fact that your partner chose to leave abruptly and suddenly. Under any other circumstances, it would have been reasonable to expect that he would tell you his decision in person and explain to you the reasons why he decided to leave.

For this reason, maybe it would help to insist on meeting him to clarify the situation between you, so that you can regain your peace of mind. If he continues to refuse any communication with you, it may help to accept that “things are as they are” and move on with your life. In this case, it does not necessarily mean that you have done something wrong.

Of course, there may be another reason why your partner disappeared. From what you write to me, I understand that your relationship was limited to your meetings and you had not met each other’s social circle. This, of course, makes sense at the beginning of a relationship, where one really wants to get to know the other, before ‘formalizing’ it by introducing a partner to friends or relatives. However, at this stage, unfortunately, one must consider the possibility that there is another person involved either before you started dating or who came into the picture after you started dating and changed the dynamics of the relationship.

If you continue to feel desperate, you may need to talk to a specialist. It will help you to better understand yourself and to understand what is behind your choices. It is just as important to start taking care of yourself more systematically. Even if you feel that you are not in the mood, it would be good to start doing things that you enjoy, especially talking to people you love and trust, spending time out in nature, and exercising.

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