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Dear Stavroula

Ask Stavroula: He Disappeared for No Reason, though He Seemed Interested in Me

Dear Stavroula,

My name is Chryssa, I am 41 years old, and I live in Greece. I'm interested in someone who is 39 years old. I met him for the first time through his professional relationship with my parents and from the beginning he seemed to be interested in me. He seemed a little shy, but he kept looking at me. A year later we had to work together again, this time on my own initiative. At that time, he would call me 4-5 times a day and showed me that he liked me but not clearly. When our collaboration ended and when I visited his workplace to pay him, he seemed very nervous, he got tongue-tied, and then told me “whatever you need, call me, whatever it is, I want you to call me, it doesn't matter that I'm younger.” When I called him a week later with the excuse that my parents had a question for him, he was very formal and distant. I called him again two weeks later and asked him to go for coffee. He replied that he was out of Athens, that he had a very busy schedule, and that he would contact me as soon as he returned and wasn’t so busy at work. He never called me. It's been five months since then, so I’m wondering if I imagined it all. And if I didn't imagine it, why did he disappear?

Chryssa

Dear Chryssa,

It is not always easy to communicate especially with people we do not know well, with whom we are not familiar, so that we can clearly understand the messages they are sending. So there is a chance that in your relationship with the man you are interested in, the messages and intentions were not clear either on your part or on his part.

Let's take the first case. This man treated you in a way that you considered to display romantic interest. But there are many people who are friendly with others, who show interest in them, make them feel important but for them it means nothing more than that. So people who are not used to this way of behaving can misinterpret their intentions. If that happened, then you probably did not imagine what happened. It's just that it had a different meaning for you than for the person you care about.

There are also people who feel the need to attract romantic interest. In this endeavor, they flirt and show interest in the other until he or she responds. Many times when they have satisfied their need and felt wanted, they lose interest and disappear.

There is of course the case that he was interested in you and backed down because of the professional relationship or because of the age difference you write to me that he mentioned in some of your discussions. It is not easy to draw conclusions about the behavior of a person you know so little about.

Finally, he may have decided to back off when he realized your interest, either because he felt he was not yet ready to commit, (imagine, for example, the case that he has just come out of a difficult relationship), or because he was at that time in a relationship which he could end and then reconnect with you.

The only way to know the truth if you are still interested and if you can stand a possible answer that you may not be happy with is to call and ask him about what happened between you. Everything else is just conjecture.

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