As only Bugs Bunny could say about Greek Premier and Looney Tunes Leftist SYRIZA leader – and now advanced math teacher Alexis “Pythagoras” Tsipras - “what a maroon, what an ignoranamus.”
What other way can you explain a politician who's never had a real job being able to spin a scam in which 9,000 clerics will be moved off state payrolls to the Church of Greece's ledger to be paid, but with government money in either case and then declaring he now has enough money to hire 10,000 sycophant party loyalists to state positions?
You can imagine him being Matt Damon's character in Good Will Hunting, cleaning up the classrooms at MIT at night and then going to the math board to solve a problem that has mystified even the teachers there.
What? Fermat's Last Theorem has been solved? Damn, well, Tsipras - in his spare time when he's not breaking every promise he ever made, throwing friends under the bus to save his own skin and trying to find a surgeon to remove from his butt the lips of his junior coalition partner, Defense Minister Panos “Weathervane” Kammenos - can now give the answers to the Hodge Conjecture, the Riemann Hypothesis, and other problems that have befuddled the world's greatest mathematicians for all time.
As far as we mere mortals can try to grasp his weird math, it goes something like this:
Stop paying the 9,000 priests and clerics 200 million euros ($228.04 million) with state money Move them to the Church of Greece payrolls Subsidize the Church 200 million euros to pay them Now there's 200 million euros to hire acolytes All that's missing is the last part in which he doesn't say he's not hiring civil servants but buying votes in a pathetic, desperate attempt to stay in favor after falling behind the New Democracy Conservatives he unseated in 2015 before his torrent of lies and reneging on anti-austerity promises brought him down to the 10-15 percent range of popularity.
With elections required to be held by October, 2019, Tsipras is embarking on a multi-faceted attack plan not to be tossed out and even snookered the head of the Church of Greece, Archbishop “Gullible” Ieronymos to go along with this cockamamie scheme.
Of course, this being Greece, the Church wanted a quid pro quo and the Archbishop thought he got it by having the government continue to pay the priests and that the Church would not seek claims against its properties taken over by the State but that both would use them jointly, without explaining how that would work in cases where both sides want use of them at the same time.
But maybe we're selling the guy short because he can count to 86 billion (the amount in euros Greece got from the Troika in a third bailout) faster than a Cray supercomputer.
And he had no problem counting to 10, the number of rival politicians, including former prime ministers who have money than Croesus, he said took bribes from the Swiss pharmaceutical company Novartis.
There's no proof because the alleged scandal is based on the word of three secret whistle blowers whose names are being kept secret and who reportedly said they heard or overheard, perhaps in the men's room, The Ten took the money they didn't need because they're so rich they could lend money to Novartis.
The plan is part of a Constitutional review Tsipras is pushing, saying he wants to make Greek politics “more democratic and progressive,” scoffed at by critics who said his real intent is to find some way to stay in power, which figures while he doesn't.
He can do more tasks simultaneously than even Caesar, who could do six things at one time, although evading a knife wasn't one of them, unlike Kammenos, who can't walk and chew gum at the same time without tripping over his forked tongue.
While the Archbishop was an easy mark for The Sting, Tsipras will have to do wily accounting (easy for him) to deal with at least 30 of the 82 Bishops of the Holy Synod who were unhappy they were left out of the loop and not informed about the deal he made with their leader.
They are challenging Tsipras' “religious neutrality” flim-flam to separate Church and State but will find out they add up to absolute zero with him as he declared they can pray, scream, shout, ask for God's intervention or hold their breaths until they turn blue because he's going ahead with them or without them.
After ousting an Education Minister who wanted to make religion classes in Greek schools secular and separate Church and State, Tsipras has taken on the crusade again himself, almost four years after he said he would when he won power in January, 2015 with a pack of lies that are mutating into more like the Andromeda Strain.
His weird math is inventive, to say the least, because he figured out that 65 percent of Greeks who oppose his deal to give away the name Macedonia to the Former Yugoslav Republic of Fake Macedonia (FYROFM) was in his favor.
Don't let him near a casino because he'll clean out the house but as Foghorn Leghorn said, “There's something goin’ on around here that just don't add up.”