Good evening, boys and girls, here’s a bedtime story that contains some scary, graphic themes, so you may want to sleep with the light on tonight. It’s called: Orangeylocks and the Three Presidents.
Once upon a time, there was a man with orange hair who wanted to run for President of the United States. His name was Orangeylocks.
He had a lot of good and noble ideas, such as to: 1) keep Americans safe from very bad people who want to come here, blow up our buildings, and chop off our heads; 2) protect our nation’s borders so that only those whom we allow to come in can come in, and keep the illegal trespassers out – the same concept as having a lock on your front door; 3) prevent greedy U.S. corporations from moving their factories overseas, where they pay employees slave wages (i.e., about 50 cents an hour) so as to cut down on labor costs that might make a microscopic dent in their precious billions, but which result in millions of American workers being unemployed in the process; 4) eliminate big money donations from political campaigns, so that candidates could actually serve the people once taking office, not the whims of their sugar daddy SuperPACs; 5) raise taxes on the very, very rich (billionaires), so as to ease the economic burden on the rest of us; 6) create an atmosphere that exposes politically correct lies – such as, accusing someone of racism for criticizing Barack Obama and sexism for speaking out against Hillary Clinton, even though that same person demeaned white males Al Gore, John Kerry, and Harry Reid with just as much intensity; and 7) create better, fairer trade deals that would cause the U.S. economy to grow at levels so robust that this generation could actually do better than the previous one – the way it used to be in all of our nation’s history, except for now.
With such great ideas, one would think that Orangeylocks would have an easy time becoming president. Not so. In fact, from the moment he announced his candidacy last June, Orangeylocks has been vilified so much and by so many, that it makes the ordeal suffered by George. W. Bush and Barack Obama seem like a cakewalk by comparison.
Orangeylocks has been called a racist, a misogynist, anti-Mexican, anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, and a fascist who incites violence. Granted, those accusations have not arisen completely out of thin air. Even when filtering out the spin by which these accusations are shamelessly presented by the media, by his casual opponents – the Democrats and the left – and by Orangeylocks’ most dangerous opponent, the Republican establishment, there are statements that have actually come out of his mouth that would cause any reasonable person at least to seek clarification. Among them: 1) Orangeylocks has called for a temporary ban on all Muslims entering the United States “until the authorities can figure out what the hell is going on” regarding the admission of Syrian refugees, meaning, whether they come in peace or if there are terrorists interspersed among them; 2) “taking out the family members” of terrorists who were presumably in the know about the terrorist activities in question and therefore accessories to the crimes; and 3) saying how he would like to “punch in the face” a rowdy and violent protester, and how his audience should “knock the hell out of” anyone they see about to throw a tomato or engage in any other type of criminal assault.
Media spin or no media spin, Orangeylocks’ own words got him into trouble. If only he had thought of a better way to say things – then maybe he could one day be considered a great president.
In search of some words of wisdom, Orangeylocks took a walk and came upon a house, in which three former presidents lived: Papa President – Franklin D. Roosevelt; Mama President – Harry S. Truman; and Baby President – Bill Clinton.
“Come on in,” the three Presidents said to Orangeylocks, “and have some porridge.”
Orangeylocks thanked them, sat down, and explained that he’s running for president but seems to be hated by so many people, and so he asked the three Presidents for their advice on how to be as beloved a president as they all were.
“Here’s what I did,” said Papa President. “When the Japanese attacked us at Pearl Harbor, I rounded up well over a hundred thousand Japanese-Americans and locked them up internment camps until we, uh, could figure out what the hell was going on.”
“You mean they were Japanese soldiers?” asked Orangeylocks. “Oh, no,” Papa President said. “Most of them were American citizens – they just happened to be of Japanese descent. Including some who would become Hollywood stars, like Star Trek’s George Takei, and Barney Miller’s Jack Soo.”
“But you are one of America’s most beloved presidents,” Orangeylocks pointed out. “Oh yes,” boasted Papa President, as he took a drag of the cigarette held firmly in his long cigarette holder: “most people rank me just below Washington and Lincoln!”
Somewhat confused, Orangeylocks turned to Mama President, who oversaw the end of World War II. “Did you ever ‘take out’ any innocent civilians on purpose, just to end a military danger?” he asked. “Oh, for sure,” Mama President said. “But not too many, only about 200,000 – about half of them in Hiroshima and the rest in Nagasaki.”
“But how did you kill so many of them?” Orangeylocks asked. “Oh, we dropped nuclear weapons on them – atomic bombs,” Mama President replied. “Nuclear weapons? Really?” Orangeylocks was astonished. “Oh, yes, we’re the only nation ever to use them in time of war. Had to do it. How else could we have ended World War II? A lot more would have died if we hadn’t done it, you know. I had nothing against those civilians personally,” Mama President said. “I’m sure they were very nice people.”
“Wasn’t that considered genocide?” a puzzled Orangeylocks inquired. “Not at all,” Mama President reassured, “it was deemed ‘courageous.’”
Turning finally to Baby President, Orangeylocks asked: “do you have any advice for me? How I can tone down my language?” Baby President looked up and said: “Well, maybe I’m not the right person to ask, because when I was president, a prominent New York Times reporter named William Safire had the audacity to write a column calling my wife a liar – and so I basically said, if I weren’t president, I’d have punched him right in the nose!”
“Well, didn’t you get in trouble for that?” Orangeylocks asked. “Oh, not at all,” Baby President chuckled and then bit his lower lip to feign concern: “but I did get in trouble for something else – becoming only the second president ever to be impeached, for perjuring myself under oath. You see, I was accused of sexual harassment while Governor of Arkansas – that’s a crime, you know – and during the proceedings, it became clear that while president, I was cheating on my wife with my 21-year-old intern, so I lied about it, under oath. It didn’t matter much though, people still love me.”
“So let me get this straight,” Orangeylocks said. “I get in trouble for calling for a ban on Muslims, but you actually put thousands of American citizens in internment camps. I get blasted for saying we should ‘take out’ terrorists’ family members, but you blew hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians into oblivion. And I get in trouble for calling for self-defense to violence, but you dreamed of punching a prominent writer in the nose because you didn’t like his words. I don’t get it.”
“Hahaha!” The three Presidents chuckled in unison. “That’s what you get for trying to speak out against the establishment. What do you think, the people run this country or something? Hahahahahaaaa!”